when i was 19, i flunked out of community college for failure to conform to their new attendance policy, prior to the change i only had to be physically present on test/exam/presentation days and my grades were great. my mother kicked me out and i moved in with her sister to essentially be my cousins nanny, and i also worked 2nd shift at a walmart. within months she also dumped off my 2 younger sisters, quit her job, abandoned her house, and moved to phoenix to shack up with some man she met in a chatroom. when i was 20 in order to keep her house out of foreclosure i rented it. months later she had to visit nc to fight for custody of one of my sisters because she refused to move to phoenix. at the time i was engaged to a guy who lived in virginia and paid all my bills for me, she convinced me to quit my job to come out and visit, and the fiance agreed to pay for my return trip when he was ready to move in with me in a couple weeks. 2 days before she was ready to leave, she informed me that she didnt ‘have room’ for me to ride to AZ. a week later the fiance left me out of the blue because as i found out years later, he had got someone else pregnant and didnt know how to tell me. at this point id like to stress that growing up in the AIDS generation, i was phobic about HIV. i had a great uncle who died of AIDS when i was 5 and remember that even though then i didnt understand what most of the things they said about him meant, they were ashamed of him for being gay and dying from this horrible faggot disease. (his loving partner of several years was there every second, and ive always been very thankful to know that) at 9 i took my promiscuous mother aside to discuss safe sex and inquire about her condom use. raw sex is something that i really didnt do. anyhow, after quitting my job and getting left by my family, and then my fiance, i was putting myself back together when there was a crazy ice storm. by this time my cell was cut off, and i hadnt seen another human being in 4 whole days, for me this was the equivalent of tom hanks in castaway. on the night of the 4th day, a close friend from high school who i had also worked with at walmart came by to use my dryer. at some point things got hot, and i asked him if the only gas station in town was open, but it wasnt due to the weather. i gave careful consideration to what happened next, which is somehow the worst part.. i decided that the roads would be too treacherous to send him to walmart.. and distinctly remember thinking ‘what are the odds?’ and we got busy with my only real concern for the moment being an unwanted pregnancy. a few days to a week later i came down with the worst flu of my life, but didnt think much about it because it was winter, and once it passed, that was it, i was asymptomatic and had no reason to believe that anything serious was wrong with me. a couple weeks later i ended up getting with my sons father and after a year and a half of being together, he got bit by a dog on his finger. however, even before the dog bite, while he was working 3rd shift and i was alone one night, a wrap it up commercial came on and the calmest but most absolute voice came out of nowhere and simply said ‘you have that.’ every hair stood on end and i teared up and shook, but managed to chalk it up to garden variety crazy by morning. once his bite had healed, my sons father got a couple sores on the scar and accused me of giving him herpes (which they were, in shingle form, and not my fault after all). i knew he didnt get that shit from me, so i suggested that we both get tested for everything. the day of the results, the clinic called and asked if i could come in a bit early and once we got there, they called him first and then me. they took him into the very first room on the right, and i remember the hallway felt infinitely long as my nurse and i made our way to the last on the left. we sat and the nurse fumbled with my folder, took a deep breath and said, ‘im so sorry i have to tell you this, but you have been infected with HIV’ to which i instantly responded ‘are you fucking kidding me?!?’ with no attitude, just incredulously. she couldnt have looked any sadder and she said ‘no sweetie, im sorry’ and then i asked if i was going to die. what she said next saved my life, ‘we all die someday’ and in that moment i knew that whatever was going to happen wouldnt be a death sentence. we filled out all the official paperwork stating my understanding of my new label of biohazard and all the things i can no longer lawfully do, and of my ‘rights’. i then asked to have my guy brought in so i could tell him there because i honestly didnt know what his reaction would be, but i knew that he wasnt infected because he was already back in the waiting room and that was all that mattered for the time being, i didnt care if he left but i didnt think i could live with myself if i had spread it. i was diagnosed 2 months before my 21st birthday and my very general knowledge and miseducation on the subject left me ill prepared for the road ahead of me. my sisters were away in ny when i was diagnosed, so i had to wait 2 weeks for them to come home because it would have been cruel to deliver that kind of news over the phone. they returned to nc 2 days before my mothers 40th birthday party so i had decided to wait to talk to them after that so as not to ruin the day. but as fate would have it, as they were sharing their travel horror stories my sister said ‘and then there was this guy staring at us, he looked like he had AIDS or something’ and i cracked up laughing, couldnt stop if someone had offered to pay me, then my mother heard what was said and started laughing, and my gramma joined in. my sisters were growing impatient with bewilderment, so i just busted out with.. ‘its so funny because i just got diagnosed with HIV.’ in the beginning all i felt was dirty, inside, anxious to the point of panic attacks, and the last thing i wanted was for anyone to find out i was infected. i didnt have time to dwell on it long though because 3 months to the day of my diagnosis, i found out i was pregnant (my sons father and i had unprotected sex, of every variety, even on my menses for the whole first 3 years of my infection and he is HIV NEGATIVE, which is a blessing for sure but not that uncommon as you begin to understand female to male transmission) . i was terrified because i didnt know if i could have an HIV negative, healthy baby, and overwhelmed at the thought of the spiritual impact of having to have an abortion. a few minutes of research and i learned that women with HIV have a less than 1% chance of passing the virus onto their children as long as they take medicine and are vigilant about adherence. so my focus had to shift to my new responsibilities and adjusting to my illness had to take a backseat. by the time i was 6 months along, my relationship with my sons father had become somewhat abusive because neither of us had the coping skills to deal with what we were up against. i spent the next year and a half dealing with the aftermath of that. during this time i was violently ill almost everyday from the side effects and depressed from my medication and just flat out lonely and pissed at my situation. i was tired of feeling like i was hiding, and since both my sisters were finally out of high school and out of reach of daily ignorance and ridicule, i knew something had to give. my mother has been an addict since i was 5, and was binging something serious, so i asked a friend of hers to drive up from georgia one weekend to take her to church, told him she needed jesus, and so he did. i tagged along since it had been my idea to begin with. we picked a random church in town, and settled into the back pew. as i looked around, the guy in front of me turned his head in my direction, and amazingly it was the dude who infected me. i cant ever explain what i felt in that instant, there was a microsecond i knew i could strangle him if i wanted but ultimately the spectrum ended in peace and forgiveness. however, due to the fact that over the years its become apparent that he almost definitely infected me on purpose, i still dont enjoy running across him out in public. after that day, i began ‘coming out’ (disclosing) to most of the people who were a regular part of my life, and their reactions were varied, but for the most part i was met with surprise because i dont ‘look like the type’ and curiosity and most importantly, compassion. within months i was getting so comfortable that i began telling people that i had just met, which can be an invitation for ignorance, but by then i was already tired of dragging around the stigma and it was good for developing spiritual endurance. i have had people not want me in their homes, or around their kids or pets because of my illness, my mothers sister asked that i never visit while on my period, and even the people who are supposed to love me most use it to insult me in arguments. i cannot say for certain how many times ive had my slow, sore filled, wasting AIDS death wished upon me expediently, but if i had to guess id say somewhere around 50. when i have to go the the emergency room medical professionals treat me like a whore junkie, ive been asked to wear a mask even though i wasnt coughing and usually im asked how i was infected before they will write me a prescription for anything. living openly with HIV is challenging but in doing so i give a face and character to something that most people have only seen sensationalized in the media and movies. personally id like to see more HIV+ people reclaim their lives and realize that the only way to change public opinion is open communication and education. i guess this about covers it, please dont hesitate to contact me with any questions. love!!
this is a picture of a dead kid, who happened to be black. he smoked a blunt and went on a skittle run. it was raining, he wore a hoodie. he was walking thru a neighborhood with little diversity and recent criminal activity. a very stupid, armed man who craved authority followed him because the kid could have been up to no good. i teach my son to be wary of adult men creeping on him. i can imagine the kid noticing and almost feel his adrenaline surging. he might have gotten ballsy and talked some shit, after all, even though he was black, he had every right to be walking there without hassle. i think the gun slinging idiot probably got angry at being treated like an asshole. as human animals are prone to do, the situation escalated to trading blows, but the moron was no match for this kid. the would-be vigilante later would claim at this point he feared for his life, but the poor kid had no way of knowing that the asshole left his house with a gun on him. this could have ended with the adult moron taking his ass whooping like a man and authorities taking over a simple assault case, but instead, likely out of anger and embarrassment and not terror, the asshole fires and the young man ends up in this pic. senseless since the authorities had already told this creep not to follow the kid. i think its crazy that anyone could think that any true justice will come from a verdict. this kid was trayvon martin, but in that neighborhood on that day, and in so many other others at any time, it could have been any kid that happened to be black and mouthy and in sight of the wrong asshole at the wrong time. i dont feel its wrong that the media is screaming race, if trayvon had been a white or hispanic kid, the asshole wouldnt have went after him in the first place. those are just the facts. no amount of spin changes the fact that the only reason trayvon aroused this ignorant suspicion was the color of his skin. the mindset that made this tragedy happen wont be eradicated by putting one cowardly neighborhood watchman away, evidence of it runs rampant in the actions and words of other idiots everyday. we live in a country that has always portrayed black youth as the enemy while spoiled white fuckers go to schools and kill our babies, and even if the killer in this particular case catches the maximum penalty, we are solely responsible to make this change. RIP trayvon martin and all unnoticed victims of purposely cultivated racial tensions. let the justice begin.
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
mom: nic, do you know what your fuckin problem is?!? *doesnt wait for answer* blah blah blah *specifics*
me: whatever ma, i dont care
mom: see, thats your fuckin problem, you little bitch!!
(gotta love positive reinforcement *giggles*)
i like to tell people ‘if you have to judge me, at least you could pray for me.’ and its weird, because people who were raised with faith will look horrified and be like ‘oh no honey, you cant let just anybody pray for you.. they could say anything’ and i dont usually reply because i dont have time for the conversation and eventual argument that would ensue.. but you can pray to whoever for anything for me or against me, or just wish good/bad things on me.. because God knows your heart as well as mine, and karma comes to everyone in their time.
at the end of a very deep prayer, my sons father texted to ask to borrow money.. after ive made it through all his months of unemployment and no child support with no help from anybody, and his abandonment for the fake hostage situation last week. i thought of all the things anyone else would tell him, but instead i just said ok. it makes me feel better knowing God is somewhere laughing his ass off because at least i know he heard me.
i know you and court had it out already, but i just want you to know that im not real happy with you either. its been 15 years since you spent a christmas with me and my sisters. since your sons first one, when we were there. i dont know how you think thats fair. sue controls everything about your life when it comes me to me and the girls, down to what time you can skype us at night. lmfbo. and then you ask court if youre supposed to spend 2 grand a year coming to visit, i dont see why not when you used to pay so much in child support. youre a fucking jerk, and i will not see you when you are here, i will let them pick up xa so he can visit with you, but i dont ever want to see you again. you think you have been some kinda hero fucking dad to us when you were nothing but a check and summer punishment. especially me, you have no idea how much you have failed me, how much i remember, how much you werent there, all the slack i had to pick up, already trying to be a mom and having to be a dad too. so heres all the pats on the back for the nice christmas gifts you send every year, isnt your wife such a wonderful lady, buying nice things for your poor trashy kids like some kinda saint.. fuck off, and i swear you better not fucking call me because if i am ever near you again i will probably kill you now that grandma is dead.
ou watch those nature documentaries on the cable?
You see the one about lions?
You got this lion. He’s the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He’s laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He’s so big, it’s so hot. He doesn’t want to move.
Now the little lions come, they start…